Im not going to pretend i didn’t know how I got there.
I knew. I just didnt know why I was there.
I just sat there on the couch next to him.
That was the second day in a row that I had done that. I just sat there like nothing had ever happened. I just sat there, like he hadn’t smashed my heart to pieces 6 months ago.
Sure, part of me still hated him for what he had done to me, but part of me had been waiting six months for him to be as close to me as he was now, on that couch.
The garage was small. There were boxes in the corner. Discarded furniture was scattered around a round wood table where the small glass hookah was.
His friends laughed in the background about the night before. The rager that had ultimately ended up with the cops showing up, and how we all got out just in the nick of time. I remember that night. Hoping over the fence. Running. And running. Holding my drunk bestfriend’s hand. We ran until we got back to the garage, the one we were sitting in now.
He looked at me and said, “I feel like we aren’t good. I know you said we were fine, but I still think that part of you hates me. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, I told you I loved you and then just walked away and let you find out about the other girls on your own. I spread rumors that you were a clingy whore and I shouldn’t have done that. Your a special girl and i was so stupid. Your none of those things I said you were. I just ran cause I didn’t know what to do, how to feel. What I’m saying is, I’m sorry. For all those things.”
Part of me hated him so much. People think of me as the strong one. The one who is the port in the storm. The one that even though i’ve been through so much shit, you would never guess. I hold it together. But words cant fully describe how he made me feel.
I remember that day sitting in my unkept room. Listening to those words on the other line: “Im so sorry that i have to be the one to tell you this. But we were up at the reservoir the other night and he was so happy. We sat on roof of the car and looked out at the water and he told me that he was going to get back together with his ex. He said he had wanted this for a long time. And i asked him about you and he just looked away.” My heart dropped. I hung up. I couldn’t hear anymore. I sat there listing to yellow by coldplay and tried so hard to fight back the tears that were inevitably coming.
But I had waited so long to hear those words. To hear him take it back. To hear him apologize for all the bullshit he put me through. I said,” I know that your sorry. But you put me through hell. No girl should have to go through that.”
“I know and Im so so sorry. But like I said, I’ve changed.”
“I know you have. And people make mistakes so… I forgive you.” As hard as it was to say, I did. Because i wanted him right then and there. No matter what had happened before.
“Are you sure?”
“yes,” I said as I looked into his green eyes. He was beautiful. His dark wavy hair. His tan skin. His strong Arms. His big hands. His hard abs. How tall he was. His perfect nose. How he was looking at me like he should have never left someone like me. How he would suck in the hookah smoke and then let it fall out of his mouth in perfect rings. His lips as he talked.
“Good” he said as he smiled and slid his arm around my waist. My heart raced. What was I doing? Why was I here? I thought I wasn’t going to do this. You were just here to forgive him and move on. Yet here I was on the couch.
My mind said run. But my heart said stay.
We stayed like that for hours. Talking, laughing, reminiscing in nostalgia.
If his hand ever left my side, it was only to interlace it in my fingers.
But it was getting late and while I didn’t want to leave, we all had to go home.
Our ride stood up and that boy and I walked to the car. He opened the door for me and i got in the back. He slid in the seat next to me he pulled me close. So close that we were practically both sitting in his seat. His arm around me. Everyone else got in and we were the only ones in the back.
We started to drive, the music blasting. The windows rolled down. And all I kept thinking was: I’m ment to be here with him, I always was.
One of his hands was around my waist and the other hand traced my neck. I felt him kiss the back of my head. I knew it was all over then. The walls i had put up to protect myself had failed.
I turned around and kissed him. The wind blowing my hair. His lips against mine. His arms pulling me closer.
I was happy~
People ask me why I did that. Why I went back just to get broken again. My answer: He shattered my heart, sure. I’m still living with the pain he put me through, everyday. But as much as I would like to deny it, I loved him. So much. I was in love with him. And it was stupid. But we were young and I would have done it over Again, I wouldn’t have changed anything.
Sometimes i sit there and think, why did i do that. Why did i waste my first love. But i guess you don’t really have a say in who your heart decides do you.
